literature

1 - Paradox Begins

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A tormenting flame danced wildly throughout the land. Monolithic and maddening, it scorched all those unlucky enough to find themselves within its gaze. A realm peppered with misery, and riddled with brimstone; this was hell. So many lives endured this, existing through an overwhelming tsunami of sadness. Hope was but the tiniest speck on the map. However, one boy held the light close to his heart. He was different. He was destined for something else. This soul would break the mold, and walk his own path. He would make the decisions for himself. He would undergo change, and ultimately impact the entire universe. This is where Paradox begins.

"Paradox, what are you doing?" A confused boy approached another who sat on the edge of a three story building. This structure was their school. A cheap tan colored paint would almost drip down the brick that the edifice was made out of. It was simply repulsive. The construction and beautification of the school was done carelessly. There must not have been enough concerned people to get the job done right in the first place.

"You're not supposed to be up here. The lords will start to look for you soon." It was after class, but attendance was still mandatory. This unique soul sat there, alone, indifferent of the consequences. His mind exploded with one idea; escape. He finally spoke up.

"It doesn't really matter. They won't see me ever again." The standing boy raised an eyebrow, approached Paradox, and sat down next to him.

"What do you mean?" Paradox looked up into the multi-colored sky, and took in everything. He looked across the blanket of foreboding clouds, the destructive forces of nature that never left. They loomed there, forever threatening. It was more like looking at patches of sky, rather than the other way around. The hateful blobs swallowed up most of the soothing expanse, but left just enough room for the deathly black moon to peer through. Never swaying, never falling, never rising, that was how the black moon remained. Paradox had always felt at unease with the ominous orb staring down from above. Something was different about it. Paradox had felt that every time he looked upon the black moon, his soul was being squeezed by a demons hand. He had cautioned himself in the past to never stare. So now he would set his eyes back on the burning horizon and answer.

"I'm leaving." Paradox's sight was trapped within the giant blaze.

"Leaving?" inquired the boy.

"Gone." Paradox turned to look into his friend's eyes. "You'll never see me again."

"What?! Why?!" The boy seemed shocked, as if there were no signs to predict this movement. There was a silence. Paradox's spiky red hair shifted in the wind. The breeze stung his emerald eyes and made them glisten. He couldn't really think of anything to say. What he really wanted to say was just, life's tough, and be done with it.

"I'm sorry, but this place is filled with melancholy. I can't be here anymore."

"I don't know where you plan to go, but you have people who like you here!" Paradox remained silent. "This isn't so bad of a place you know." Paradox looked back to the horizon, back to the tremendous inferno. He knew differently.

An echo rang out through his being. A jumbled mass of tortured screams and sadistic laughs vibrated into his mind. He knew his time here was numbered. He knew he had to take action.

The boy continued to stare at Paradox, waiting for a reaction. Paradox lifted himself up onto his two feet. He looked out and surveyed the land. The black rock, the spewing magma; it would soon all be gone. Then a ring came from Paradox's pants pocket. He took out an odd device with a screen on it. It looked like a handheld, but was shaped as a circle would be. The screen would come to life with all sorts of symbols, almost like hieroglyphics. Sending them flying from right to left, they were blue, green, and yellow; it was so vibrant. It made an indescribable digital noise along with it. The boy was taken aback by the device. What was it? For a brief moment, the boy thought that maybe Paradox could understand the little beeps and blips that it emitted. It sure looked like it. However, it was just a thought. Then Paradox clicked the screen, the chatter stopped. He looked down at his acquaintance. His face was emotionless.

"Sorry." The boy's mouth slowly dropped open, and he tried to comprehend that he was really leaving. The sad fact that somehow Paradox was going to disappear from his world forever. He came to terms with himself that change happens, no matter how seldom. The boy thought that it wasn't that bad. He would definitely see him again in the future, he thought. The boy looked up at a standing Paradox, and spoke.

"We'll see each other again sometime, right?" Then the device began to glow white, hidden designs showing themselves on its surface. It began to emit a rising ring.

"Sure we will."
Then they shared their final words.

"Goodbye Paradox."

"Goodbye Uno." And with that, Paradox gently tossed the device off the building. It erupted with light, pouring forth remnants of another plain. And then Paradox stepped off the edge. He fell towards the blinding light and was soon engulfed by it. Delving deep into a force that was quick to embrace him, but may not have been as bright as it seemed. He fell into the next level. One word, destiny, one world, unknown; the possibilities were endless. Regardless of everything, the smallest bit of fear still lingered within Paradox's heart.
A lone boy, gifted with the power to move through worlds, chose to leave his home and pitiful existence behind to search for a place where he belongs. A story of humanities magic, both light and dark. A tribute to the most powerful addictions of them all, and to heart, soul, and friendship. Let go of your perceptions and let a new surreality emerge forth into your life.

This is a story about Jacob Klein - This is the story of Paradox

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This is a story that I hold close to my heart. I have not finished it, but it goes up to 15 chapters. Enjoy.

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Smidow's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

This is my first time writing a critique, so I apologize if I'm not doing it correctly XD

The first thing I noticed and really liked when I read this was your use of words. The whole first paragraph was amazing. I could picture the scene well.

This sentence: "He would undergo change, and ultimately impact the entire universe." I feel that if you added a comma after 'ultimately' it would give the sentence more power; a stronger sense of what is to come.

I enjoyed the dialogue, it was short but still realistic between two friends. I'd suggest breaking this portion up a bit more so it's easier to read though. Additionally, the area where you described their school building confused me a bit. Specifically, "A cheap tan colored paint would almost drip down the brick that the edifice was made out of." Either I am tired or it doesn't entirely make sense. Also the sentence: "A mass of tortured screams and sadistic laughs jumbled up vibrated into his mind in a split second." Jumbled up vibrated, I don't quite understand it clearly. You already used 'A mass' for the screams and laughs so you could very well take out 'jumbled up' or just modify the sentence a bit if you wanted to keep it.

As for the dialogue, I understand which boy was speaking but I would suggest changing it just a bit. An example being this part:
"Gone." Paradox turned to look into his friend's eyes. He then finished his statement.
"You'll never see me again."

For that you could easily change it to:
"Gone." Paradox turned to look into his friend's eyes. "You'll never see me again."

Lastly, I suggest being careful with some word choices. I didn't notice much of it throughout this piece, but I did notice it at the end where you used the word 'engulfed' twice. Perhaps use 'swallowed' for the second 'engulfed' word?

Overall though, this is a wonderful piece. Great use of words, descriptive, and you were showing us instead of telling us. I enjoyed reading this and would love to read more at some point <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>